Addicted to Success - The One Drug We’re All Okay With

Thoughts surrounding using work as a coping mechanism for underlying mental health issues and trauma

My first addiction was working and constantly being very busy, before I was introduced to alcohol. I also have always struggled with food but that is a story for another day. My life was chaos as a young kid trying to navigate the world. I was an extremely emotional and sensitive kid, but when I was studying my mind was focused on something else. It was mind numbing for me to continue to stay busy. We live in a society that praises hard work, go-getters, and high achievers, so work addiction is seen as acceptable and is normalized. I realized from a young age that working regulates my emotions, so if I am focused on reading, writing, or a difficult task, I won’t be drowning in emotions. It became a problem when this was the only way to regulate my emotions.

I was a high achiever in high school, graduating 5th in my class out of 211 students. All I did was play sports and study, and I slept very little. I wanted to be the best and I wanted people to see that I was the best. I really wanted my parents to see how great I was doing but this was hard for them because they were in the middle of a tumultuous divorce. I felt alone in the world, and I just wanted attention. When I was introduced to alcohol, I started getting attention but not the attention I originally set out for. Nothing beat alcohol though – the best feeling in the world. As a teenager, there were consequences, but they were never enough for me to stop or seek treatment. I honestly didn’t even know treatment was an option and that there were resources out there for adolescents.

Most stories you hear about substance addiction involve people not being able to function in an academic setting while using substances. When I got to college, the need to achieve was even higher and I told myself that if I got straight A’s, I could drink as much as I want. Could I really have a problem if I was highly successful? I had my own motto of “write drunk, edit sober.” I truly thought I was the most creative human while under the influence (also part of my Bipolar Disorder while in manic episodes). I wasn’t fooling anyone but myself. The University of Connecticut was going to expel me from school for all of my behavioral incidences while under the influence. They told me I didn’t look good on paper and all I could think of was how good my transcript looked and what an asset I was to their school (clearly insane).

When I gave up alcohol, I quickly returned to my first coping mechanism. I would work every day if I could have. I picked up extra shifts and worked on the holidays. I created my own projects such as designing recovery programs. One program I created became very successful and is still in existence today. I took it to an extreme though. On top of a full-time work and school schedule, I was designing aspects of this program late into the night and early morning. This was also a result of being high on mania for several weeks straight. Designing things makes me feel good. I also love success, praise, and money, and sometimes I just can’t get enough. I do think all of these things are healthy in moderation. It all started in childhood because I was trying to distract myself from feeling so depressed and anxious.

It still works for me, but I have other ways to cope now, and I just have to remind myself of this constantly. Going out in nature and hiking is one of my best ways to decompress or get pent up energy out. I have learned a lot of ways to have fun such as dancing, fishing, camping, traveling, road trips, and laughing with friends. When I notice myself trying to take on another job, I talk to some friends who level me out and remind me why it might be unhealthy. Most importantly, I remind myself that I am okay today just the way I am.

For more information on work addiction: https://www.healthline.com/health/addiction/work